On the Road to ^Inspire Others

^MESH ~works~.  But if we are to ^Remember only one concept for our own sake, it is to ^Fail.  The most serious ^Mess of minds can be ~overcome~, if the ^Fail is adequate to the ^Mess itself.  Until we have experienced a ^Fail with noticeable result, we simply are left in the dark about it.  May I tell you my story with conviction? 

At times it may sound like I am ahead of the curve, but I confess the at times frequent ~weakness~ in me has ^Become a ~mode~ so ^Strong that I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Severe, without Psychotic Features.  Many years ~later~ I was diagnosed variously after suffering two psychoses and two accompanying hospitalizations.  ^What a roller coaster!  Though it might be needlessly confusing in some cases, sometimes a label to our struggle is convenient or ~helpful~, so gladly we have doctors and other committed practitioners to ^Help us discern the flavors of the internal struggles that we face. 

Due to subsequent suffering and healing I can ^Look back to that early diagnosis decades ago and see that they were sort of wrong about the without psychotic features part.  For I ^Now understand that I was also suffering needlessly from paranoid delusions with some corroborating sensory hallucinations.  It is a ~repeat~ in suffering with greater intensity followed by the healing and tools I describe in this book that opened my eyes to this unobstructed vision of my years in suffering. 

It took me many failed attempts and five months of ^Progress to get this book written and re-written to ^Live in its first ~home~ online.  And in that time, I have forgone as much in pay at the most lucrative part of my career as a software engineer.  From that sacrifice I ^Hope we may be saved from ~needless~ suffering.  And it is a small sacrifice compared to the great ~help~ and clarity I ^Now ^Feel.  It is worth it on the small ~chance~ it may be imparted fruitfully to others.  Its contents have been fruitful to my own ~health~, so I have ~hope~ for others. 

I wrote my first draft of this chapter on the 24th of December 2021.  But twenty-five months before that I had a trauma at ~work~ that unknowingly had induced a repressed memory in me.  Within a week I was to the point I had ^No idea that anything wrong happened to me!  For over a month I was basically fine.  I did ^Remember an event, but it was rewritten in my ^Mind.  I knew I did the right thing in face of adversity but I had a false memory about the particulars of ^Why. 

But I can only suppose that in ~connection~ with that trauma, a psychosis gradually took form in the second and third month from that trauma.  In the fourth and fifth month, I began drowning in ~fear~ in ~connection~ with my ~work~ which took form of paranoid delusions.  I would ^Work fewer and fewer hours, just long ~enough~ to answer daily meetings.  Then mid-March brought spring break, followed by the lockdown for the pandemic.  I ^No longer had a safe ~space~ in my ~home~ nor an outlet for which to run or exercise.  My ^Mind entered a mode of hypervigilance ^Where I could not indulge myself in any ~way~ even for something as simple as to feed myself.  It began looping ~between~ ^Feel and ^Think and each in a panic to save the other.  I was freezing up without ability to ^Act. 

^No one really understood ~how~ scared I felt.  Or ^What was going on in my thoughts.  And on the surface (to others), it did not ^Look like ~fear~ at all.  At the start of lockdown I was hallucinating, but I did not ~know~ it.  And at about two weeks in as the sun rose one day I traumatically recognized an experience as a hallucination.  I was so terrified.  In an ^Act to ^Protect my ~family~ I had my spouse take me to the hospital in anticipation of getting a CT or MRI scan.  I had suspicion of a brain defect but ^No suspicion of mental ~illness~. 

I was kept in the hospital under watch without any adequate feeling of reasonable explanation and without ~chance~ to call authorities for ~help~ as was my expressed ~wish~.  At the time I had suspected government corruption in context of my job and I sought to ^Counsel with a state or local ^Agency for support.  The hospital staff's refusal to allow me to reach out made me ^Turn inward even ^More.  Then I was taken by ambulance to a mental hospital and required to strip down to a small bit of underwear to be examined physically at check-in.  After that I was put in a hospital gown which I had the ~awareness~ but not the ~focus~ to tie for myself which remained untied for three days without offer of ~clothes~ except for a pair of socks the following morning. 

The trauma of my hospital ~stay~ (without ~family~, under covid lockdown) and the ensuing commitment to a mental facility turned the ^Mess into a giant fireball in my ^Mind and I began my first night in the hospital with a massive psychosis, ~full~ blown delusion and an accompanying hallucinatory experience that acted in ~full~ corroboration. 

All this, perhaps the most harrowing experience of my ~life~, was precipitated from a traumatic experience that I could not ^Remember which trauma snowballed in course of weeks and months as it poorly combined with my current ~weakness~ and current modes in my ^Mind.  Ironically, this decline was exacerbated by the attention it was given.  The once-and-yet-common medical ^Practice for treating severe mental ~health~ concerns acted as a multiplier and an accelerant. 

Within a week I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.  Two months ~later~ I was re-diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder and about the same time I quit doing my injections and other medications except for melatonin to ^Help my ~sleep~.  It probably took a year for me to realize that bipolar was as ~good~ a diagnosis as any for my experiences (both recent and distant) of ~needless~ suffering.  Partially with anosognosia about it and partially with ~insight~ I believed that this psychotic episode was caused by a ~lack~ of ~daily-self-care~ in ~connection~ with an escalating ^Divide in my ~mind~ (unable to ^Act).  The split ~focus~ that accompanied this ^Divide was one of ~fear~ (~between~ the remaining modes, ^Feel and ^Think).  Although I was not wrong, the thought was incomplete, and I did not have the succinct language gifted to me by this book to describe it.  From that experience and reflecting on it since that time I learned that I have had unmanaged Bipolar 1 Disorder developing in my ~life~ in a ~mess~ for at least decades if not for my whole ~life~. 

Although it is nice to have a diagnosis for my own suffering or for that of others, that may ^Offend or ^Become excusably received or applied which is contrary to ^MESH.  Due to the strings that the current modes of modern medicine and society ^Attach to us, I ^Think it far better that we can ^Look at the ^Mess without complication of adding a diagnosis for today it is still feared, and it comes as a label of (Dys-)^Function.  Yet in reality, to ^Heal, we should recognize it as evidence of a beautiful ^Mind which is ^Full of ^Function.  And then, with appreciation of it in the ~full~ beauty of its modes we may ^Loom to repair or ^Improve any struggle rather than jump on the ^Train of dysfunction in ~hope~ that the next station is different. 

During that psychosis, at the very peak, something happened.  From ^Chaos against my broken ^Mind by sheer severity of the delusion it held, I chose to ^Fail.  I say chose but owing to the severity I felt I was in some ~sense~ compelled to that ~choice~.  In my delusion and corroborating hallucinations, thousands of brave people were dead, risking death or dying, with me at the fulcrum of those events.  And in a moment of clarity, I saw ~how~ surrendering my own ~life~ might ^Stop it.  And so, I took courage and that I did.  And this ~perfect~ ~fail~ happened (almost) perfectly in context of my false reality and my severe disability.  And I did it ONE TIME.  I did it ONLY in my ^Mind for my actions were almost totally disabled still.  The whole ^Fail transpired within ONE HOUR and after reaching the WORST crisis of ^Mess in my ~life~. 

So although completely ~alone~ in my ^Mind surrounded by active hallucinations in various senses, I yielded in the very manner I describe in this book.  The result was inspiring.  After ^Surrender I felt the most wonderful ^Happy relief.  The ^Surrender I chose in fact was to give my ~life~ up to an enemy to be tortured in the most ^Cruel and unusual manner.  And I did it to save others from an early demise.  And ^When I did it, I was so ^Happy to do it!  Not a shred of regret, ~shame~ or ~fear~ anymore!  I really was ready to be tied down and then greet the point of an unsterile scalpel to be disemboweled with joy and without resistance. 

The ~terror~ leading up to that trauma has ~overcome~ me several times in trying to tell it to you today.  I am just sobbing the first time I wrote this and then at my first edit also.  But I have found ~more~ ~strength~ and have not broken down in my second and many ~more~ following edits of it. 

Within a week of that glorious ^Fail I climbed out of my delusions layer by layer and finally was restored to sanity.  At least in appearance and introspective feeling I was ^Free of all hallucinations.  All of my delusions were subdued with ~strength~ of ^Humility. 

That following week in the hospital I ^Now could discover that I had a repressed memory and to ^Write about ^What happened those five months ago in my journal and to ^Write about other traumas in my past that I knew but could not bear to tell anyone about. 

That was just the beginning though.  I came out of the hospital and the ~change~ of scene was too much for my fragile state yet again, so a new delusion was born.  Before I was living with ~family~.  ^Now I was living with spies in skin suits.  This (Mis-)^Identify mode found its confirmation in the difference in treatment I received from each ~family~ member.  My one son was being ~more~ aloof and my other son was being ~more~ talkative.  My wife was being ~less~ aloof and ~more~ talkative and engaged in getting ~family~ therapy.  And her aim was to ^Move ^More rapidly on to divorce with intent of alleviating ~relationship~ stress. 

My neighbors were installing a sprinkler system that very week.  I tended to ^Believe they were imposters too or that they had been co-opted to install spy cameras around my ^Home. 

I am ^Grateful that generally I am a peaceful man whose tendency has been to ^Trust in peaceful solutions without ~belief~ that weapons are the source of my safety.  However, I ^Need to be deeply ^Honest here.  I really believed my own ~family~ had been kidnapped and were being kept from me.  I believed that one of my sons had died in that ~process~.  I really and strongly believed that the new ~family~ surrounding me were imposters.  If those believed facts ever confronted me too strongly or else had I ever arrived at ~strong~ resistance to that delusional mode, I ^Feel the ~temptation~ to fight to save my ~family~ would have been too ~strong~ for my weakened state, were it not for one other fact of ^Mind. 

So ^What saved the day from my acting out horribly according to my false beliefs after my ~return~ from the hospital? 

It was ~humility~.  Gratefully I had these delusions with such ~humility~ given by that gift of ~fail~ to which I had submitted myself at the very height of my psychosis in the hospital. 

I accepted those spies in skin suits ^Who had replaced my ~family~.  I accepted them just the ~way~ they were!  I am not joking.  I showed ^Love despite my severe concern to those little fictitious pretenders while at the same time sorely missing my ~family~ ^Who they resembled.  Those spies I adopted as my ~family~ although just as importantly I also accepted myself which meant I could ^Keep my ^Hope that I could mourn all the ~needless~ suffering with my real ~family~ once I found them again.  So by ~humility~ I tried to show my ~best~ ^Love against all apparent evidence within the situation. 

I also accepted everything the ~way~ it was then.  I accepted the likelihood of divorce and the ruin upon my finances that the hospital bills and ~lack~ of employment had waged.  I accepted the possibility that I would never see my real ~family~ again and that I was surrounded by imposters ^Who were acting for their own purposes to my eventual hurt.  I did not embrace these facts, but I accepted them. 

My fears and other ~strong~ emotions that precipitated such severe delusions sat on a slippery slope, so I was empowered to ^Turn my battle to one of ~daily-self-care~ and modestly ^Return to ^Work although the ~fear~ itself outlasted the delusions of those first months after my hospitalization.  The ^Lie trapped in that ~mode~ could not endure and yet the ~mode~ at the same time served a ~good~ ~purpose~ for I was too fragile to ^Accept the truth that my whole ~life~ just exploded without any power available to ^Recover it, mostly due to situations beyond anyone's control.  And that from that explosion my grip on ~life~ had ^Become so loose.  Those delusions and that ^Mess of ^Mind protected me but the ~path~ (beginning there with ~fail~ and ~humility~) and an environment of ~love~ for many months on end without ^Judgment brought me back again. 

But let us ^Think for a moment.  ^What if in a moment of intensity of ~fear~ I had attempted to remove their skin suits to expose the supposed fakers?  Perhaps we would say that ~more~ coerced hospitalizations or ~more~ drugs that threaten to tamper with our modes are needed for those with broken minds?  Perhaps we would say my brain was broken and failed us all to the tragic ~harm~ of my ~family~ members.  Not so!  But that action would certainly have been evidence of ~evil~. 

Yea, I ^Feel ~sick~ about the possibility that I would have attempted to hurt my lovely ~family~ too.  And yea.  That's okay.  We should ^Feel it.  But we can ^Keep on believing mental hospitals, medicines and diagnoses do better for us than to ^Search for a better ^Love.  Maybe it is about time we ^Fail that approach so that we may ^Learn something about ourselves?  Am I wrong?  That's for you to ^Decide; with or without usefulness of all our modes. 

Since that time I have coined a term for a sort of false ^Humility which I call half-humility.  This is ^When, for instance, we might ^Accept others just the ~way~ they are but not ourselves or not our world.  Or, for instance, we ^Accept ourselves and our world ~just-the-way-we-are~ but not others.  The powerful inoculating power of ~humility~ requires our acceptance of ourselves, others and our world in and for the moment, all at once in a ~merge~ and not disjointedly. 

Gladly I did not have (Half-)^Humility.  If I did, I suspect it may have led me to ^Try a reckless or violent ^Act as other desperate souls ^Who ^Seek homicide, suicide or destruction to property.  And it would have depended on which part of ^Humility I possessed ~between~ myself and others.  For example, it may have led to a destructive or desperate ^Act to ^Escape if I was accepting of ourselves and others, but not the world in which I suffered. 

We should not ^Deceive ourselves here!  ^Humility has nothing to do with acceptance of immutable facts or truths!  That's anti-humility; ^No one needs to be confronting distortions of another with their own version of ^Truth except in ^Purpose of expanding ~needless~ suffering.  ^When we ^Think we are delivering ^Truth to another, ^More than likely we are delivering an example of (Anti-)^Humility which is a highly contagious ~mode~ and a multiplier of ~needless~ suffering.  Whether we or others are suffering the important thing is to ^Accept ourselves, others and our world ^Now according to ^What we ^Believe it is ^Now.  Let the relief of ^Humility permeate ourselves and then radiate that ~mode~ upon others and upon our world.  And quite miraculously, it ~works~.  Isn't that wonderful? 

(Half-)^Humility (imbalanced acceptance) and (Anti-)^Humility (imposing our truths upon ~one-another~) has rather the opposite effect of expanding distortions so that we ^Act on them in the worst ~way~.  But do not aim for ^Humility; only watch for its absence at times of suffering, so we may recognize it is time to ^Fail.  The ~best~ ~way~ to achieve ^Humility with stability is to ^Fail.  I would say ^Fail is fifty times ^More powerful in securing ~humility~ as compared to ^When we ^Seek the mode itself.  Yet ~humility~ helps us secure a ~fail~, so it is ~good~ to ^Search for each in ~turn~.  And do not aim for ~fail~ but ^Look for the opportunities of ~strength~ or ~weakness~ which indicate ~enough~ ~space~ for the mutual security of ~humility~ and a recent ~fail~. 

Within the first two months after hospitalization I had a great battle to achieve ~daily-self-care~ especially for regaining my ~sleep~ and ~water~.  In course of weeks I fell into a pattern ^Where in the morning I absolutely believed my delusions (that is, surrounded by extra-governmental imposters: virtually all my immediate neighbors, friends and ~family~) and by afternoon I saw those beliefs for ^What they were: distortions in disagreement with ~truth~.  I saw ^What was happening to me; not at the moment (that's impossible, isn't it?) but in reflecting afterwards. 

I cannot emphasize ~enough~ that if another person had detected and confronted that delusion then it would have made it stronger.  ^Remember ~how~ a ~mess~ is evidence of ~immunity~ from our ~mind~.  And I could not tell anyone much about the ~strength~ and horror of that delusion in the delusional times those first few months nor could I entertain them for myself or others even in the sanest of moments that whole first year.  If I had somehow forced myself to ^Conflict it directly my modes surely would have responded with increased severity even if the news of them landed without repercussions in my ~life~.  This self-sustaining nature of all ^Strong modes I suspected and ~later~ confirmed from various other experiences… I promise I am not stubborn! 

However, in this ~respect~ I was ~honest~ very early on in my recovery: to the confessing of having unspecified morning delusions.  I confessed them first to my spouse and then to my psychiatrist at the next appointment.  As hinted I made ^No mention of the details of it to them.  My perceptive psychiatrist did take notice sufficiently, so they ALMOST pulled the trigger to commit me again.  I ^Believe that if it were not for the ~presence~ and active support of my spouse and ~family~, for my gentle pleading to weakly affirm my own ~desire~ and for my emphasis of ^Trust to the doctor to let him ^Choose anyway then I would have likely been hauled off to the mental hospital again and held involuntarily.  ^Who knows ^What a second commitment would have done to me?  But ^Trust me on this: my entire ~dance~ at that appointment was singular.  I had a ^Mind to ^Escape and never ~return~ to that office after that first hint of recommitment. 

A year ~more~ of remarkable healing and I began to recognize paranoid delusions, ~mania~ and other distortions that had plagued me for the past two decades at least.  My marriage had been on the ~slow~ ~path~ to divorce for about a decade of our first twelve years of marriage because of my distortions in large part yet partly also because I did not ~know~ ~how~ to navigate the distortions in others nor did I have the ~sight~ to respond to them properly. 

Once that year went by I saw the ~path~ that I had walked.  I recognized that the ~path~ had helped me through to ~health~ and inoculated me against a new ~mess~ developing.  But I was ~stuck~ in some ~sense~ still being unable to discover a means to communicate ^What had happened to me with adequate context.  Until many ~more~ instances of ~fail~ and another ~perfect~ ~fail~, I could not see ~how~ to even begin to transfer the ~knowledge~ in a productive or ~helpful~ ~way~.  Even as of October 2021 ^When I began to ^Write this book, I had been unable to ^Share any of it in words except for in kernels of understanding.  This is the fourth attempt at a book since that time which I first shared online early the following year.  If there is anything that could ~help~ others and ~heal~ ourselves in a ~way~ that could spontaneously ~overcome~ distortions the right ~way~, the exercise and ~awareness~ of these concepts is my ~best~ bet thus far. 

I felt the book was impossible to ^Write yet after several ~more~ iterations of ^Fail I was able to develop and ^Write this book.  Despite my (at times huge!) modes and distortions I (in times past) was sort of a talented person before and throughout experiencing all this garbage of ~needless~ suffering (blush).  A software developer ^Who ^Now attempts to ^Write this ^Fast brain source code for healing.  ^Now as I approach the final iteration and review before publishing this my first book I am just another person made whole ^Who wants nothing ~more~ than to ^Share so that every ^Mind with interest may have its ~best~ ~chance~. 

And it is brain source code.  I ^Believe that our beautifully mysterious ~mind~ already has written in it the seeds of understanding and exercise of virtually every potential ~mode~ herein, many of which have taken place already quite naturally in our ~mind~ which is ^Why I ^Think it ~works~.  I ^Hope this extended explanation makes it ^Fast and pleasant for you all.  In writing and studying this volume of reminders it has helped me tons!  I have never experienced such a rich ~reward~ as I have from ^Fail which led to my healing.  The ~benefit~ therefrom is multiplied by my wholehearted attempts to ^Share.  For I ^Need this ~knowledge~ regarding my regular healing as much as anyone else ^Who finds and feels the fruit of ~MESH~. 

As 2021 became 2022 and as I was nearing the completion of this book I had a most unfortunate experience regarding my mental ~health~. I had suffered tremendously in stress from a loved one ^Who was in poor ~health~ ^Who subsequently passed away. 

That's Spencer for whom I have dedicated my book.  He had a stroke after which we spent many hours with him in the hospital followed by many weeks in hospice ~care~ at ~home~.  It was a taxing labor of ~love~, but I came from a place of unusually ~good~ mental ~health~ due to my learning and developing the principles of this book.  However, fighting as hard as we could to save him day to day as he declined took great courage and ^Focus. 

The stress of losing him and having his funeral just sixty days from his stroke was too much ^When combined with some other stressors in my ~life~.  It was just sixty-one days from seeing him in ~good~ spirits, enjoying ~family~ and in relatively ~good~ ~health~.  And from this stress (to my ^Shock) it began as it ended two years before.  I started having paranoid delusions in the mornings.  With each additional stressor it was getting worse and worse day by day.  My ~mania~ was measurably increasing in sleeplessness and tired energy.  My insomnia became strikingly similar to ^What it had been two years before: ^Sleep for three hours and then fully awake as though a whole night transpired. 

I was very concerned because I knew I was not as ^Humble as before which provided such an inoculating power.  I began asking questions such as If I started to ^Believe or form delusions again ^What would happen? 

^Needless to say, I did not ^Want to find out that answer. 

Like a final blow or last straw, my poor behavior from these delusions caused a falling out with some friends online.  The stress of negative ~emotion~ was surging in me and the paranoia was beginning to take root into my evening.  I told my online friends goodbye suspecting severity of delusions in the morning to ^Overcome me.  I wrote an apology but with specific ~purpose~ to experience the ~process~ of ^Fail.  I completed the ~process~ of ^Fail all ~alone~ in my ~mind~ and as before it took about an hour or two to wrestle it out.  I needed to ^Return to ~humility~ in case any delusion or hallucination might ^Tempt any ^Harm to myself or others. 

And it worked!  Better actually!  I had only expected the paranoia to continue but in the safety of a slippery slope which would eventually allow me to ^Heal again.  After the desperate ^Fail I attempted in the evening I awoke as before (after about three hours) but then I fought hard to ^Return to ^Sleep.  Valiantly, I got five hours ^Sleep in total that night.  To my ^Surprise, not only did I ^Return to ^Humility, but I also didn't have any ~more~ paranoid delusions!  The paranoia was all gone, but I waited all morning to be sure and then did a ^Test to see if this recovery was somehow false.  It wasn't false! 

For ^How well that worked I ^Wish we could just ^Fail ^Regularly and skip the ^Mess, but that's not ~how~ it ~works~.  It is far better anyway.  ^Fail is hard, so we must ^Wait and be watchful to ^Restore our ^Humility (in times small or large) and in any interval of ~need~. 

It may ^Surprise you as it did me, that the modes of ^Life were never an aim nor ~goal~ around which the book was built, but they were a fruit of organizing the book after building it.  The book's sole ~purpose~ was to contextually describe the remarkable healing ~process~ I observed within me after my first psychosis (with ~path~ in central theme), that it might be transferred fruitfully and replicated in ~empathy~.  I had basically written a majority of my book and started to find in it many natural self-organizing themes hiding underneath the frequent repeated wrestle of the simplified idea of ~feel~, ~act~ and ~think~.  And just as I found natural chapters of organization, I found that each chapter had a collective flavor leaning in a particular ~way~. 

The things which caused us to ^Feel, seemed to either lean towards ~love~ or ~evil~.  The one being a hug or embrace as we ^Connect, and the other being a stiff arm or ~boundary~. 

The things which caused us to ^Act were definitely divided, either leaning towards ~cooperation~ wherein our collective success is the ~focus~, or leaning towards ~agency~, wherein we make decisions singly. 

The things which caused us to ^Think also fell naturally into two flavors: that of ~how~ we ~function~ (success being like a robot or calculator, a maximally dependent structure), or ~how~ we navigate our world with ~independence~, (success being measured according to our ~purpose~ or ~goal~ guiding our ~prudent~ ~limit~ on our dependence upon others and our world). 

Avoiding the ~evil~ aspect, at first I thought there were only five fundamental modes.  But I had to acknowledge the dual nature of ^Connect to the ^Love or ^Evil.  From that I could not ^Hide.  Eventually, with my second break-through discovery, that of ^Emotion fundamental maps, I realized that ^No was a missing sixth mode. 

A seventh ~mode~, that of ^Life I had merged with ^Agency at first, but then began to understand that the fundamental modes needed a ~separate~ ~mode~ to ^Govern the interactions ~between~ modes. 

About one year after I began to ^Write ^MESH, I came to a phase ^Where I thought the book had failed.  It was like a recipe book that was missing a key ingredient.  So in ~trust~ to ^Fail, I deleted this book and asked others to also delete their copies of it.  I had one exceptional copy with a ~family~ member to ^Keep locked up.  This deletion coincided with the beginning of my second psychosis (two and a half years after my first).  With it came a second unwilling hospitalization and the first anniversary of the beginning of ^MESH. 

This was the first psychosis since my writing and illustrating the book, which took a solid five months, and I spent another seven months editing and improving it in my spare time.  It was a grandiose delusion that caused me to delete my book just one year after it began.  This ~act~ of quitting my book was like quitting an important medication and a mostly harmless delusion turned inward and accelerated until my ~family~ only saw forced hospitalization as an option. 

Gladly, even our heaviest distortions can ^Become suffering with a ~purpose~.  This crazy sacrifice became something useful for it is exactly ^What led to my discovering a missing ~foundation~ of my book, that of the ~emotion~ fundamental ~map~. 

I am ~grateful~ for this second hospitalization, for I am diagnosed again with Schizophrenia yet from my first hospitalization I had been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder.  The labels are ^No longer pejorative to me, as it grants me membership into two ~more~ communities of beautiful wonderful people ^Who are also trying to make their ~way~ in the world.  The tools of this book aim to ^Help manage these disorders and any other distortions of the ^Mind with responsibility. 

We hadn't really grappled with the idea of another hospitalization as a ~family~, but some great things came of it.  In the hospital I had the epiphany of ~emotion~ fundamental maps, which are an important expression of the six fundamental modes which modes were hiding literally in every chapter of my book already, waiting to be discovered.  In the hospital and from memory of my book I drew eighteen ~emotion~ fundamental ~map~ diagrams, corresponding to various chapters and ideas.  This also led me to the sixth fundamental mode; I named it ^No, and then ~more~ aptly named it after asking my ~family~ for a verb for wall-building, to which they smartly answered, ^Fortify. 

Another month of writing and diagramming and ^Now all these great ideas are captured here in my updated book. 

So, ^What was left to discover?  I had written sixteen of eighteen chapters of modes and concepts, but ^What I didn't realize is that ~fail~ could be defeated in an essential ~way~ by ~abuse~.  In March 2023, I had some unfortunate disagreements with friends, but to my ^Surprise, one of my friends ^Who was also in ~weakness~ decided to threaten me verbally, while another tried to trap me in their house… yikes! 

To ^Be fair, I already had been fighting a hard emotional battle that led to an emotional failure called ~mania~.  ^What I didn't realize was that they took one of my statements of despair, not as the ~metaphor~ I intended, but as a literal expression as though I was aiming to be reckless to property: They believed I would kick down a door to save a dying fish.  I assumed wrongly and without ~sense~ of ~consequence~ that they knew (from our long friendship) that I would never do that.  Their threat and attempt at control upon me by ~force~ was deeply unhinging and in depth of ~fear~, I couldn't ^Feel safe anymore all day, even though ~separate~ from the event.  And I was surprised to find I couldn't ^Forgive anymore… like its meaning has somehow evaporated.  ^Forgiveness is simple ~enough~, but ^When ~abuse~ is weighing on us, it takes us in dangerous places of ~mind~. 

Without ~forgiveness~, we cannot ~fail~ properly as it is a key step of it.  It is so essential, because it releases the factful emotions connected in a ~relationship~ to us which may ^Deceive us.  ^Forgiveness grants our ~mind~ ~independence~ from that negativity and a ~path~ to ^Restore ~harmony~.  So in that state I was ~stuck~ without ability to ^Feel in ~truth~ for sake of ~awareness~ which is the second step of ~fail~. 

This verbal ~abuse~ came after I was already experiencing ~mania~, and ~now~ I was approaching a third psychosis rapidly.  I gained some ~awareness~ of this impending doom from talking with my buddy and noticing for myself that I couldn't ^Stop talking.  My buddy gave ~help~ further by having me report to them on my ~sleep~ which was suffering.  My buddy also took note of ^How incredibly connected my conclusions were and that therefore I might be suffering with heavy distortions. 

^What could I do?  ^Problem solving while in this state isn't really effective, but I began pouring through my book over and over, in ~search~ of a ~way~.  That did ^Help me some to ^Feel better but it didn't cure my ~mania~ and insomnia.  After four nights of poor ~sleep~; as little as two or four hours each, I arrived at a fifth night and I just laid there until 4am in the morning without ~sleep~.  I couldn't ^Sleep and I was done laying there trying, so I thought, I'll ^Go drive to a friend's house…  (not buddy)…  after all I had seen him (in my head) wandering his neighborhood that very night, so I ^Need to find him and see if he's okay! 

As I got near this friend's house, thankfully I was jarred in thought a bit and I realized something was wrong.  From the ~confusion~ I turned around and headed to get breakfast… I wasn't hungry, but I hadn't eaten much over these many days, and I knew ^Daily-self-care was so important right ~now~.  After I ate and returned ~home~ I slept two hours and was feeling a bit better.  Based upon extreme ~lack~ of ~sleep~ and ~worry~ about another hospitalization, I refused to ^Go to ^Work, and instead I watched some relaxing video talks.  I would notice connected thoughts that I would ^Feel in ~connection~ with the speakers as though they had an ~awareness~ of me too; and ^Remember my buddy's gentle reminders that those connections should be questioned.  All that and my inability to get ~more~ ~sleep~ made me ~sad~ and I began sobbing as I caved into it. 

Every once in a while I would get a ~goal~ in my head that day and I would start to ^Chase it; but then it seemed familiar; Oh ^Wait, this might be like the other night, so I began to yield from goals to inconsistency. 

And lastly, the connected thoughts kept coming, which as I noticed, I began to ^Doubt every thought and fact and every action I was tempted to make.  From the struggle I became ~sick~; but with an increase in my ~daily-self-care~.  And then, a miracle!  Another hour of ~sleep~ was achieved and there were hints that my digestion was also being restored!  ^Truth began to ^Return after that, and I started to ^Feel ^How ~exhausted~ I was and to see ~how~ ridiculous my delusions had been. 

I took two ~more~ days off from ~work~ and the second day I ripped through creating two new chapters: Modes of ^Emotion and Modes of ^Refresh.  ^Refresh had been summarized previously as a single concept of ^Function. 

While adding those two new chapters I wrote ~forgiveness~ as a concept—it was in ^MESH already but without its own concept.  It felt important to emphasize the hazard of ~abuse~ which can ^Stop our ~love~ and ~forgiveness~.  And just like that the remaining major puzzle pieces fell into place.  I first wrote this section on 6 April 2023 and at this time it feels like ^MESH is ~now~ a ~perfect~ ~picture~ to ^Help us ~grow~ ourselves, ^Help others and ^Heal our world in the ~best~ ~way~!  (And with ample room to ^Improve too… )  Yay! 

^When I first wrote ^MESH two critical parts sprouted into ^What became this book.  These are the concepts of ^Mind and ^Fast.  That first chapter of modes was only two chapters, not counted in the eighteen chapters just mentioned.  Without these two modes and the little tildes and carets, I could not have written ^MESH in this ~way~. 

A year after, I discovered the ~emotion~ ~lens~ and added it as a seed to the initial chapter. 

After having written the fundamental modes chapter, I had a ~table~ that included every chapter, and some real gems of modes that seemed to be sewn across each chapter.  This and the ~emotion~ ~lens~ helped to crystallize three new concepts ^When I made a ^Partition of these real gems into three categories: an ^Operator, a ^Motivator and a ^Restorer (that of the components of the ^Path).  These graced each triple of chapters belonging to the fundamental modes.  I removed these gems from the ~table~ in the fundamental modes chapter, after I realized that each of these ought to be its concept which I created to complete the chapter of ^Mind.  Here is that part removed for reference. 

In my attempts to implement the pinnacle concept of thought, ^Restore, I had some trouble.  I knew that gladly, in some parts of the ~path~ I excelled, but other parts, it just didn't seem to ^Work well, especially being ~alone~.  To ^Become a ^Helpful buddy is key to our ~moderation~ of ~emotion~ among ~one-another~, but that should also ^Work ~alone~.  In short, I had trouble in my aim to ^Help myself ^When in ~lack~ of a buddy.  Can we ^Become our own buddy? 

Yes!  ^When we are ^Obedient, ^What are we doing, exactly?  We are adding a ~desire~ into our heart which is beyond our own.  That could be ~desire~ of others, an ideal, a ~limit~ of our world or any activity that requires us to ^Try.  The trouble, though, is our heart doesn't always have ~space~ for that.  And then, we struggle to ^Be ^Helpful.  It doesn't matter ^How much we ^Believe it is ^Good, it still doesn't ^Fit and we ^Try but don't ^Help (without a ^Proper ^Fail), predictably. 

That is, until we realize we have a ^Conflict, so we ^Need to sacrifice some of ~what~ is in our heart.  We ^Become ^Sad.  Gladly, the ~moderate~ discomfort and ~presence~ of ~emotion~ is to ^Help us make the hard ~choice~.  That ^Sorrow is ~now~ a ~good~ ~base~ to ^Grow once our ~excess~ of ~desire~ is ~lost~ with tears. 

^When ^Free, ~sorrow~ is not really required to ^Be ^Obedient.  However, inevitably we ~need~ it ^When that small yet special part of us finds within itself a ~conflict~. 

As shown in the ~restore~ concept, ^Sorrow helps to ^Moderate our ability to ^Feel, so don't ^Think that to ^Be ^Obedient is slavery!  It gives us a ^Break from the ~excess~ or ~lack~ of ~sense~ in support of our daily ~work~. 

^Sorrow to ^Clean away our ~conflict~ within and with ~one-another~.  ^Now, my only ~obstacle~ is to find a socially acceptable amount of tears in every context which is greater than zero.  ^Why?  So we can make ~health~ just as contagious as ~illness~, of course! 

I'd been teasing the idea of adding ^Thirst as a formal ~concept~.  Seeing this morning ^How I had a nice ~space~ for it in the ^Mess chapter, I added it at the end. 

In ~betterment~ of my descriptions of ^Refresh and ^Emotion and their figures, I found a place for ^Surprise as one of the basic emotions. 

In the current patterns of these things, there is really only one place left for a basic emotion, so I might as well put ^Happy there.  I've seen babies, and they seem ^Happy, so I suspect it is ^More than theoretical, but it really is going to have to be introduced on a trial basis only.  Take note; at least temporarily, ^MESH now stands for, May Eventually Secure ^Happiness.  In ^Disgust, I will ^Now aim to barf on myself and every loved one, each in ~turn~. 

Once I found a ~good~ place for it, ^Happy has a ^Happy ^Home in ^MESH.  That place, in fact, is one of (Dys-)^Function.  Literally.  Our ^Thirst for ^Proper ^Function is the key element of ~happiness~ in the ^MESH ^Model of it.  Too much or too little ^Function, and we are… ^Happy. 

I could be wrong though.  Is ~happiness~ broken… something we really ^Need to ^Heal from?  I think so, but ^Remember, don't ^Trust me on it.  This book is only as useful as you make it out to ^Be, so ^Choose its place in your ~life~ for your own sake.  You'll find a ~way~.  ^Happy reading! 

Three new concepts stirring in my mind came to fruition recently. 

In my book, I ^Feel like ^Attach is both the most simple and the most deep in nature.  So much about our mental-emotional-self ~health~ is to do with making ~space~ for every other ~mind~ while recognizing the importance of that for our own ~mind~. 

Secondly, I ^Think a ^Season is the most devilishly tricky yet shallow ^Concept of ^Mind.  ^Accept opposing entities as though similar?  Yet ^When we do so, ^Chaos itself may ^Become a natural ^Rhythm in our ^Mind. 

Lastly, the ^Computer ^Concept is just another ~way~ of saying that our ^Mind and any number of other items in our world may ^Operate as a Turing machine.  Such a machine can be intricately useful and yet ultimately, it is simple and uncomplicated at every level, perhaps even in total.  To ^Become a ^Mechanism for our ~community~ is quite a ~way~ to ^MESH; perhaps it is just like a cog in a machine.  Notice ^How every ~way~ in which we ^Serve to ^MESH may ^Become a ^MESS ^When a ~mode~ outlasts its usefulness.